Tag Archives: life

Why I won’t be doing Teshuva this year

02 Monday Sep 2013

Posted by in Personal development, Religion

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I already did Teshuva (repentance) last year and the year before and the year before that.

I KNOW I did Teshuva because ever since my spiritual cleansing a few years back, not much has changed.

What was my spiritual cleansing like?

Well, let’s see.

I took stock of the spiritual burden I was carrying around with me, the physical burden, the emotional burden, the religious burden, my fears, hopes and  cares and I came to the realization that the burden I was carrying, well, it was too damn heavy for one person to bear alone.

And so I removed that burden from upon my shoulders and stopped to rest for awhile. I rested those responsibilities, worries, cares and overwhelming sense of self awareness against a strong and stable tree and sat in its shade and rested my weary body and soul for awhile.

And as I sat, disconnected from everything around me, it was at that moment that I finally had a sense of what it felt like to run free.

Running free without any burdens, it felt good and young and oh so carefree.

But it meant that I was missing out on building up my strength, my connections and my overwhelming sense of humanity.  It meant feeling alone and not truly experiencing more than just a carefree sort of existence.

Of course I wasn’t ever completely burden free, I was really only free on some holidays and every third weekend, but who’s counting.

Even pseudo-freedom counts for something. It is like holding onto a dinghy in the ocean, knowing that you still have a long way to swim, that your journey is far from done, but still feeling a sense of relief, even if it is only for a moment.

Then finally, when I was ready to carry the burden again that I had been carrying before on my path called life, I stood up and tried to resume my journey. It was then that I realized that much of what I had been carrying was unnecessarily weighing me down, making me feel more tired and more worn out than I needed to feel. And so I left much of my previous burden resting there, in the shade of that tree and took with me only the most important loads as I ventured out once again, on that continuation of the path called my life.

Which of those peckalehs (packages in Yiddish) did I choose to take with me, you may ask? I took my children, love for my family, love for Israel, honesty, integrity, happiness, self preservation and love for God in a way makes both me and God feel ok (right God?).

And so now as I walk along with a spring in my step and my head held high, approaching each and every new year with a feeling of overwhelming gratitude, determination and self preservation, I know that I have willingly chosen a path that I can happily call my own.

So to all of you who are walking along the path with me: some holding me up, some keeping me company, some carrying similar burdens to mine, some carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders,  whomever you are, you are part of my new found Teshuva, my life. It is to all of you that I wish a happy and healthy new year.

Creating our own personal freedom

06 Monday May 2013

Posted by in Personal development

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There is life.

Life is that every day monotony of chores and work, cleaning and shopping, running and sleeping, debts and responsibility.

And then there is living.

Living, I love you!

It is when your soul is free; when your body is a slave to your soul and not the opposite. Those blessed moments of drinking coffee on the patio with friends, listening to music, meditating, exercising, loving, dancing and celebrating those moments when life lessens its death grip on you and allows you, even if only for a moment, to feel free.

Living is the reason that I tolerate life.

We work hard and struggle with our daily responsibilities for the simple god damn reason to be able to live our lives.

My grandfather lived by the basic principle of life that he felt encouraged the nurturing of happiness and satisfaction in our lives:

“If you can’t do what you like then like what you do.”

He died of a heart attack when I was 12 after servicing a community as their Rabbi for 36 years. He loved being a Rabbi but it took its toll on him. Life was different then. I know that. Still I used to wonder if maybe it is indeed possible to like what we do and maybe (oh just maybe God) to do what we like? Does one really need to be exclusive of the other?

My sister Deena is an inspiring example to all of us Humanoids on knowing how to live life. She has travelled the world over, to Japan, Vancouver and back to Israel again all with the basic life goal of doing what rocks her world. Recently she quit a stable job to pursue her love of writing even further. Life isn’t dictating it’s rules to her; she is dictating her rules for living.

Freedom of speech.

Freedom of religion.

Freedom to be.

We are free and not free. Why is it that we tend to live our lives in a self-induced state of bondage?

This concept is painfully real in Adam Baker’s TedxTalk where he explains his own journey towards freedom.

In his video he quotes the following:

“There are thousands and thousands of people out there living lives of quiet, screaming desperation who work long, hard hours, at jobs they hate, to enable them to buy things they don’t need to impress people they don’t like.”

-Nigel Marsh

I don’t have the freedom to open the uncertainty door like my sister does. I know that. Many of us don’t. I, personally, look after 5 kids who need me and need the simple basics such as food in the fridge, heating, clothing, education, shoes and oh so much more than just the basics. Sometimes it becomes so much that the responsibility hurts.

That’s when I make sure to look around and count my blessings. Counting blessings is liberating.

My kids.

My work.

My family.

My health.

My home.

Check check and check. Blessings counted.

All such enormous blessings that I am terrified to ever take any one of them for granted. Those blessings are all part of what signify a certain part of my personal freedom.

It also seems to be that I DO love what I do. Maybe it’s because I have been raised, instilled and constantly surrounded with the basic principles of positive thinking and personal responsibility or maybe it’s just because my life really is so freaking wonderful. Whatever the reason, I make sure to like what I do because what I do is good. Truth.

Positive attitude rules! So before you can let the good in, you need to let the bad out, or to quote Bob Newhart “Stop it!”

The first step is to STOP giving a rat’s ass about what anyone thinks. Make sure you like what you see in the mirror. Live according to your own rules. Our personal accountability is oh so personal. You are the one who lays your head on your own pillow every night; No one else, just you. Remember that.

Secondly, STOP doing the “right” thing. Do the good thing. Do what is good for you, your family, your kids and your world. Going to pray in synagogue is the right thing. Playing cops and robbers with your boys in the living room is the good thing. I do the right thing too sometimes. Trust me. I do it even if it means that I am like a little sulking kid who is forced to wear boots in the rain. But I do it because sometimes I just have to. It’s not the default plan but it’s a part of the overall plan.

Thirdly, STOP wasting time, money, energy on the wrong things. Remember that our resources are limited. Make the most of the time you have. The world is a gym so save the money you spend on those ridiculous monthly health-club memberships and go for a walk. Don’t keep upgrading your life with purchases that you don’t really need. Don’t spend time around negativity and do allow the people who make you soar to be a part of your life.

It took me time. A lot of time. But I did it. I finally figured out how to live and how to be free.

It is a constant, never ending battle but it is worth it.

Stop being a slave to life and start living.

(Originally published on the Times of Israel March 14, 2013)

Gone with the wind friendships

13 Sunday Mar 2011

Posted by in Life and Laughter

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Dog and cat friends

Friends through it all

When getting divorced, especially in a family oriented community, I have found that many of the people who I thought were friends and couples who I enjoyed many wonderful times with became distant memories. If I may be so bold as to create a comparison: Life is like an outfit; sometimes it flatters you and sometimes it fits, it sometimes needs changing, and sometimes it just makes you fat. Life has accessories too such as friends, homes, cars and a partner. When you change your life “outfit” many tmes your “accessories” need adjusting too. (Please don’t take this literally…it is purely for the sake of literary license).

In some ways the separation comes with a twinge of remorse: the couple who always served the best food, had the greatest views, the most engaging conversations and the best toys for the kids to play with. Other times it comes with an overwhelming feeling of relief. You no longer have to put up with that annoying wife of your husband’s friend who you never have anything to say to or made annoying jokes at someone’s expense.

Let’s just look at our work friends for a minute, our colleagues. When you switch jobs and forlornly say goodbye, you know that these people who you spent every day with for the past few years will most likely drop off the end of your life, never be seen again. It doesn’t necessarily reflect badly on them or on you for that matter even if you both keep saying, “Let’s keep in touch, ok”? For obvious reasons, in people’s fast paced lifestyles proximity does make for an easier friendship and since you never had to make an effort to see each other before what makes you think you would start now?

Are there any specific traits or behaviors that lead to long term friendships?

It reminds me of a book I once read about ordinary everyday people who became heroes due to a heroic act that they did spontaneously. They couldn’t explain what motivated them to act on the spur of the moment. There really was no defining trait for heroic behaviour.  All that they could be sure of was that they were presented with a situation where they just knew that they had to act. What the author wrote in the forward to this book was that we are always so fascinated with what motivates the serial killer or someone who stands on a tower and shoots tens of people or who kidnaps someone and mutilates them and yet we are never fascinated by the reverse scenario: What motivates an ordinary person to act altruistically or heroically?

During my divorce proceedings many of the couples whom I thought to be close seem to have just become part of the unwritten divorce settlement. The reverse is true as well. I have been pleasantly surprised to find myself spending time with people and couples who I never would have in my previous coupled life. I enjoy their company and that’s all there is too it. They are kind and giving and we love to laugh together.

If you are looking for answers as to which friends will move to the other side and which will just fall through the cracks never to be seen or heard from again, I don’t have any. But let me just say that when you are single for the second time around you learn very quickly who your real friends are. You are wearing a new outfit and only you and you alone will decide which accessories look best on you.

And just remember darling: You look fabulous!